i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
