She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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