i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm like, not good at living.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
