He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
