Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize