Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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