I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
