apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
