whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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