My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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