I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
