EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
