Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
