I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
