I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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