Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
