you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
