Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
