i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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