In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
