hotel room ftw
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
