Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
