So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
