he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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