mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
