you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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