this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
