YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
