May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
