He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
