It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize