Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
