I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
i need some magic done to my vagina
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
