i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
