I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
