I wish you could order shots online.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Even my vagina gasped.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
