god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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