i just made my gag reflex go away.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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