I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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