I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
