the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
