I just saw a hot homeless man
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
