So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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