she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
time to smoke my breakfast
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
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