He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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