I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
