I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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