well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Your penis caused this!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
