I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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