i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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