just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
