i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
