why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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