I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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