i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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