In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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