and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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