That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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