i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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