I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize