Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
