So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He felt like a one man threesome
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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